Socialists: “Chimps are People Too”

The Spanish Socialist Party will introduce a bill in the Congress of Deputies calling for "the immediate inclusion of (simians) in the category of persons, and that they be given the moral and legal protection that currently are only enjoyed by human beings." The PSOE's justification is that humans share 98.4% of our genes with chimpanzees, 97.7% with gorillas, and 96.4% with orangutans.

The party will announce its Great Ape Project at a press conference tomorrow. An organization with the same name is seeking a UN declaration on simian rights which would defend ape interests "the same as those of minors and the mentally handicapped of our species."

According to the Project, "Today only members of the species Homo sapiens are considered part of the community of equals. The chimpanzee, the gorilla, and the orangutan are our species's closest relatives. They possess sufficient mental faculties and emotional life to justify their inclusion in the community of equals."

Well, at least we know where they stand on the important issues. Does this mean they have the right to vote? Can you imagine a bunch of poo-flinging monkeys voting in important elections…OK some did vote for Kerry but is this really necessary, I mean come on! The next thing you know gorillas will be demanding guaranteed jobs and, heaven help us, same-sex marriages. We will have rabid Chimps marching in the streets yelling “No Blood for Bananas” while eating their own crap.

Then again, that sounds oddly familiar to today’s Europe…Viva la Chimp! And the article claims that the same group is “seeking a UN declaration on simian rights which would defend ape interests”. Shit, all they have to do is get the ape to develop nuclear weapons and I’m sure the United Nations will embrace(-) the proposal.