Bill Clinton: How Dare the "Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy" Point out My Corruption, the Fact that I Cheated on my Wife, and that I Lied Under Oath

WASHINGTON — Bill Clinton says a vast, right-wing conspiracy that once targeted him is now focusing on President Barack Obama.

The ex-president made the comment in a television interview when he was asked about one of the signature moments of the Monica Lewinsky affair over a decade ago. Back then, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton used the term "vast, right-wing conspiracy" to describe how her husband's political enemies were out to destroy his presidency.

Bill Clinton was asked on NBC's "Meet the Press" whether the conspiracy is still there. He replied: "You bet. Sure it is. It's not as strong as it was because America has changed demographically. But it's as virulent as it was."

Clinton said that this time around, the focus is on Obama and "their agenda seems to be wanting him to fail."

Why Is Barack Obama Going on Letterman?

Why the hell is Barack Obama going on David Letterman this Monday???

I mean instead of trying to smile your way to better approval ratings for a failed health-care push, why don't you try fixing the damn thing first?

Or I have an idea... why don't you make a cool, night vision sex tape with Paris Hilton. And that way you can become a true celebrity and forget about the whole, "Leader of the Free World" thing.

Everything is Going to Work Out

I don’t know about life sometimes…

I have always had the feeling that I was being watched over by some kind of guardian. Not a feeling of actually being watched by something, or some divine presence… but just a feeling that everything is going to be ok; that everything will end up working out.

But is that a gift? Or is it a curse???

I think, in large part, the reason that I have no motivation to succeed is because I have always felt that feeling of, “everything is set to work out for me”. I have always felt that I deserve to be great, that I’ve earned it. And I trust so much in that feeling of comfort that I cannot bring myself to do anything. I depend on that feeling.

-I live or die on that feeling…

Obama Is Even More Phony Than John Edwards

Only one politician had the ability to instantly make me sick upon sight… before now.

And I never thought that there could be anyone… ever… as fake as John Edwards. But every time that I see Barack Obama, and then hear him speak, I get angry. I don’t know if it’s the typical liberal elitism or if President Obama has actually started believing his own Neo hype?

Either way, I’ve had about enough of this guy. And the funny thing is, is that I get the feeling that most of the people who voted for him have had about enough too.

-Our first black President is a damn disappointment.

Little Things that Piss You Off

Episode 3:

Every time I get a new, fresh bag of sunflower seeds I tell myself that I'm going to open one shell, and eat one seed at a time. And for the first few minutes this is what I do. Everything is nice and neat.

Skip to 30 minutes later and there's a pound of shells scattered all over the carpet, my fingernails are blackened from sunflower seed gunk, and my teeth have so much shit in them, that I have to brush at least twice just to feel somewhat clean.

Freakin' Sunflower Seeds!